Resolutions and Reinventions

I’m not a fan of big new year resolutions where the results aren’t measurable, like be healthy or lose weight or cook more. That’s why I have my 26 in 26 list. But there’s no denying January is the best time of year to write lists and start new projects. Everything seems fresh and possible. The fact you are still in the same job you hate, that you haven’t saved enough to book the trip to somewhere not here, and you haven’t blogged in 6 months doesn’t matter.

With that in mind I signed up for The Reinvention Project some time last year. It was scheduled for a time far enough in the future that all I had to do was enter my email address and not think about it till after the holidays. But now the time has come and I’m not entirely sure what to expect.

There’s not a single one thing I want to fix in my life, I’d like more focus, more determination, more self belief, and less lazy. I’d like to stop falling back on unfulfilling work in offices I don’t care about and actually try. I want to stop being scared.

I’ve signed up for a number of different plans like this, but not ever one that emails you every weekday. It’s unfortunate but I really do need to be told every day what I need to be doing to help myself. Big picture goals don’t help me. I need solid deadlines, broken down tasks, something specific to work towards. I’ve written so many times on this blog about my latest ‘this is it’ moment. While those moments are rarely it in the way I’d like them to be, every it brings me closer to the person I want to be. All the little steps and changes add up and it’s only by looking back to the person I was a years ago that I can see the changes.

The first interview and assignment for my 30 day reinvention was sent through today. With it I determined the areas of my life that need the most work, and the areas of my life I’m most happy with.

The word holding it all together is confidence. I’ll gain confidence by learning new things, seeing myself with the same eyes I see others, looking after my health, and creating a working environment that is clean and spacious. I’ll get a career, or at least a job I’m invested in, when I have the confidence. It’s an odd and cruel thing that I had more confidence and found it easier to gun for opportunities when I was younger and inexperienced. I thought I knew more 7 years ago. I’ve regressed and become the scared 8 year old that didn’t want to go to school because she wasn’t THE BEST in her class at times tables.

I also really really really really really need to keep on with downsizing my belongings. If only so I can actually move around my room without breaking things left on the floor. I’m hoping to start this 20 minute a day cleaning schedule. 20 minutes is doable to a point that I don’t really believe I’ll be able to clean my house in that short a time. We’ll see.

Who Am I?

I used to be such a smug fucking married. While everyone was breaking up and losing their jobs I was totally in love and earning money. In fact I was so confident that I left my job to be self employed while Sol supported me. I was finally ready to relinquish some of my independence in the hopes of running an empire one day, and while I had a back up savings account just in case (thank fuck) it was still a big deal to give up spending money and control.

Yeah, sorry about that.

I don’t regret any of my actions. I learnt so much about myself last year, what I want, and what I can live with. I became more confident, and happy. I’m learning that confidence in a relationship is very different to confidence outside a relationship though. At least for someone that is single for the first time in their adult life at the age of 24.

As half of a couple you can be completely oblivious to the signals around you when you’re out and about. It doesn’t matter if the guy at the next table is staring, because you’re not interested anyway. There is no one to impress. It doesn’t matter if you’re being too loud. You know who you’re going home with.
As a single lady Every. Fucking. Guy. is looking at you. Whether they actually are doesn’t matter, that’s what it feels like. It’s harder to relax. People become predatory instead of just being drunk and annoying.

Despite the person I became during 2009…the person I wanted to be; one with more confidence, more friends, and slightly more interesting things to say. I feel like I need to reinvent myself again. I need to become single Kim. Just Kim. Not Kim and Sol. Just Kim.

But if I already like who I am how can I do something drastic to reinvent myself?

Do I need to throw out all of my clothes and start again? Do I really have to join a gym? Because I hate working out.

Alter Egos

Kim is happy with her achievements so far but would love to do more with her life. Now that she’s not working for “The Man” she’s kinda shitting herself. A bit scared that she’s going to fail but defiant about succeeding. Insistence from family members and friends that it’ll be easy to go back if she fails leave her feeling half reassured and half like they don’t believe she can make it.

Ms Mace Constantine on the other hand is faking it till she makes it. Mace never takes any shit and would have quit her day job on a whim anyway. She doesn’t care what people think about her, and thinks that if most people don’t understand the culture of the Internet nerd that’s their own problem.

In our constant quest to better ourselves we break the person we want to be into little steps. Identifying the things we love, the things we want to be, and then pretending that we already have them. It’s easy to pretend when we’re online, when we’re with people we don’t know, or when we’re drunk.

When we act like someone else, we take on the persona of our alter egos. Anything bad that happens, happens to the alter ego. It can be shrugged off, discarded. We can abandon any personality traits that don’t serve us. We can also use an alter ego as a stepping stone in becoming more confident and adventurous. Eventually the things your alter ego does will be the things you do and become another facet of your personality. It’s like hiring a personality until you can make it full time.

So who are you really? And who do you want to be?

Get To Your Children Before the Beauty Industry Does

This video is beautiful, and thought provoking. If you don’t talk to your child at a young age about being comfortable with the way they look then the magazines, TV shows, movies, books they see and people they talk to are going to influence them first. You may have become accustomed to it like me. But this video by Dove made me take note of all the stupid crap I see everyday that makes me feel like I’m not good enough. The beauty industry is HUGE!