I used to be such a smug fucking married. While everyone was breaking up and losing their jobs I was totally in love and earning money. In fact I was so confident that I left my job to be self employed while Sol supported me. I was finally ready to relinquish some of my independence in the hopes of running an empire one day, and while I had a back up savings account just in case (thank fuck) it was still a big deal to give up spending money and control.
Yeah, sorry about that.
I don’t regret any of my actions. I learnt so much about myself last year, what I want, and what I can live with. I became more confident, and happy. I’m learning that confidence in a relationship is very different to confidence outside a relationship though. At least for someone that is single for the first time in their adult life at the age of 24.
As half of a couple you can be completely oblivious to the signals around you when you’re out and about. It doesn’t matter if the guy at the next table is staring, because you’re not interested anyway. There is no one to impress. It doesn’t matter if you’re being too loud. You know who you’re going home with.
As a single lady Every. Fucking. Guy. is looking at you. Whether they actually are doesn’t matter, that’s what it feels like. It’s harder to relax. People become predatory instead of just being drunk and annoying.
Despite the person I became during 2009…the person I wanted to be; one with more confidence, more friends, and slightly more interesting things to say. I feel like I need to reinvent myself again. I need to become single Kim. Just Kim. Not Kim and Sol. Just Kim.
But if I already like who I am how can I do something drastic to reinvent myself?
Do I need to throw out all of my clothes and start again? Do I really have to join a gym? Because I hate working out.
The apathy will subside. My usual happy disposition will return.
I am moving on, finding a flat, finding a job, and doing what I like, when I like.
My motto for 2010 is “trust your instincts”. I have been ignoring myself for too long.
It feels strange to be moving on so quickly. Right now it has been less than three weeks since the separation, but it is starting to feel like it was a long time ago. All the feelings of disappointment, frustration, and annoyance I buried for the sake of compromise and living in a relationship, have replaced the reasons I wanted to make it work. At this moment I am more upset at having my happy bubble burst than losing the person I thought I would grow old with. But then my feelings change every day depending on what I’ve heard, what I’ve read, what I’ve remembered.
Ladies and Gents, if you like you should put a ring on it (not necessarily a literal ring, but make your feelings known to all concerned parties). Otherwise move on, and stop wasting time.
Thank you all for your help, concern, and best wishes. I can’t do it without you. xxoo
I’ve been trying so hard to be tough and nonchalant this week that I almost convinced myself I am those things. For a while I managed to think about having an amazing life as a single person and decorating a bedroom all of my own. Thinking about all the friends I can party with, about all the travelling I’ll do, about all the fun I could have meeting new guys.
And then tonight, my last night in Hamilton, I went out dancing. It was great fun. But saying goodbye to my friend it really started to hit me. Tomorrow I’m going back to Wellington. Tomorrow I really have to start sorting out my life, whatever it is going to be. Getting into my room at Mums I see she has left me a little box of chocolates and I burst into tears. I don’t want to go home. I’m not ready to be on my own.