This is my life. Sometimes.

Awful Noise - My Cardboard Life

Awful Noise by My Cardboard Life

My boyfriend plays the banjo. And guitar. And accordion, bass, piano, saxaphone, mandolin and probably a few other things with varying degrees of success.

He’s actually really really good. But sometimes banjo music isn’t very relaxing.

Comedy Divas

Ever had a seagull on your left shoulder?

Um, no.

Ever had a magpie on your right shoulder?

Where is this going? No, I have never had any seagulls or magpies on either of my shoulders.

Ah, but I bet you’ve had a cock or two in your mouth though ay.

I wish I was a comedian. Even though I’d never have the guts to get over my intense fear of public speaking, with the thought that someone at the back of the room can actually see how hard my heart is beating through my shirt. But I’d love to be able to write like a comedian. Like Nicole from More is Better, I never skim her posts because she’s so fucking funny.

Tonight I was lucky enough to score a ticket to Comedy Divas. Seven hilarious lady comedians cracking jokes about stupid vegans; how they’re all totally sexy playas; and how homophobia would be more acceptable if it was like arachnophobia – The valid fear of finding a gay man in your bath tub. I do like Jim’s (female, funny lady) chosen name for the evening better than Comedy Divas though: Funny Cunts.

If you ever get a chance to see Justine Smith, Maeve Higgins, Irene Pink, Zoe Lyons, Jan Maree, Jim Stanton, or Sarah Harpur perform don’t hesitate. These ladies are amaze.

Snape’s On A Plane

If you follow me on twitter you’ve probably seen my obsessive tweets about Severus Snape/Alan Rickman today. There’s just something about the brooding darkness and voice filled with absolute contempt that either makes girls fall in love or creeps them out.

I’m happy to say I fall into the prior category (don’t worry hun, he’s old enough to be my grandfather) and a wee bit of googling lead me to this piece of gold. O ho ho.

snapes on a plane

But it also led me to this wtf moment and this Marilyn Monroe-esque shot. Fandom is a slippery slope.

Bill Day – Kiwi Bloke/Uber Rich Business Guy

bill day

This months speaker at our young professionals gathering was entrepreneurial Seaworks owner Bill Day. The ins and outs of the Seaworks business aren’t important in this context, and we’d both probably finding them uninteresting unless you’re a fan of marine exploration and using boats to get big projects done.

Bill is extremely personable, intelligent, and rich without being at all cocky, he seems like a dream boss, and the ideal mentor to entrepreneurs. Bill’s talk was full of anecdotes about getting started in the business and scoring big jobs. The explanation on how he got started with diving was that there was this woman, who really loved diving. And that’s about all he had to say to get us engaged and laughing.

Bill went on to liken new businesses to babies shitting on the carpet. It’s hard to enjoy them at that age even though everyone warns you that they’re the best years. He talked about being able to grow his business and create new methods purely because they had no idea what they were doing. They weren’t aware that some pieces of equipment should work in a certain way, they just knew enough to test new things. And the new ideas usually worked, worked better, and worked for a lot less money.

Being a Kiwi certainly seems to help when doing business. Most of the world loves us for our hard working, number 8 wire enthusiasm and the ability to adapt to other cultures. Doing a big business deal with Saudis can be nerve wracking, lots of foreign customs to remember, but if you remember they’re humans just like anyone else (and you’re a male) it might be easier. The night before a project was to be awarded Bill was having dinner with the clients, trying to schmooze remembering to reach with the correct hand, and then he’s passed a plate of sheep testicles as a test. Without missing a beat he grabs one and takes a bite. And then he says…this is great, it’s the first time I’ve been able to get one of these in my mouth without fear of being kicked in the head. It was followed by uproarious laughter and a night full of sheep jokes along with confidence he’d sealed the deal. The next day he wore a tie with sheep on it to the meeting and needless to say Seaworks got the job.

Bill_day_1

Another time they were trying to get a job for a guy who just doesn’t read proposals. He knew everything would be great and they’d get hired if they could get the guy to read it but they didn’t know how. Bill decided to buy a brand new Louis Vuitton briefcase for the meeting. He put the proposal inside and then put superglue in the locks. At the meeting he tried to open the briefcase in vain, he frantically wriggled and poked at it before asking if there was something to pry it open with. Nothing was getting it open so they decided to take to it with scissors. Both guys got involved at ripping this expensive briefcase to pieces in order to get the proposal out. And he couldn’t very well not read it after all that effort. Of course, he got the job.

Kiwis have a reputation for DIY and ingenuity. Number 8 wire has become a symbol of our “culture” and the ability to take bits and pieces and use them to get the job done. Last year when a helicopter crashed in Lake Wanaka Bill was there on holiday and able to give a hand to police divers trying to rescue the helicopter and body of the pilot. When the dive squad realised their equipment wasn’t going to be able to do the job, because there was no arm on the robot, Bill told them to just use a ski pole, rope, carabina and rubber bands and it worked.

Other funny stories include the time Bill sent and ex navy diver called Raro to be Tom Hanks’ bodyguard on while filming castaway. Raro was later found teaching Tom to do donuts in the golf carts. And the time they dropped a boat 12 times while trying to pull it out of the water. And the other time they had a boat with divided mess rooms for officers and crew and he walked into one of them with a chainsaw in the middle of lunch and cut it down.

After the talk he stuck around to answer more questions and drink beer. Bill runs his business like a family, everyone is equal and he lets the managers get with their jobs. He’s a typical Kiwi bloke who through hard work is now rich enough to buy helicopters for fun.

Musings On Life In The Noughties

I’m not sure where this originated but it’s going around by email at the moment and I thought it good enough that you wont hate me for sharing. I’ve bolded the ones that spoke to me most.

  1. I wish Google Maps had an “Avoid Ghetto” routing option.
  2. More often than not, when someone is telling me a story all I can think about is that I can’t wait for them to finish so that I can tell my own story that’s not only better, but also more directly involves me.
  3. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realise you’re wrong.
  4. I don’t understand the purpose of the line, “I don’t need to drink to have fun.” Great, no one does. But why start a fire with flint and sticks when they’ve invented the lighter?
  5. Have you ever been walking down the street and realised that you’re going in the complete opposite direction of where you are supposed to be going? But instead of just turning a 180 and walking back in the direction from which you came, you have to first do something like check your watch or phone or make a grand arm gesture and mutter to yourself to ensure that no one in the surrounding area thinks you’re crazy by randomly switching directions on the sidewalk.
  6. That’s enough, Nickelback.
  7. I totally take back all those times I didn’t want to nap when I was younger.
  8. Is it just me, or are 80% of the people in the “people you may know” feature on Facebook people that I do know, but I deliberately choose not to be friends with?
  9. Do you remember when you were a kid, playing Nintendo and it wouldn’t work? You take the cartridge out, blow in it and that would magically fix the problem. Every kid in America did that, but how did we all know how to fix the problem? There was no internet or message boards or FAQs. We just figured it out. Today’s kids are soft.
  10. There is a great need for sarcasm font.
  11. Sometimes, I’ll watch a movie that I watched when I was younger and suddenly realise I had no idea what the f was going on when I first saw it.
  12. I think everyone has a movie that they love so much, it actually becomes stressful to watch it with other people. I’ll end up wasting 90 minutes shiftily glancing around to confirm that everyone’s laughing at the right parts, then making sure I laugh just a little bit harder (and a millisecond earlier) to prove that I’m still the only one who really, really gets it.
  13. How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet? (it takes great skill grasshopper.)
  14. I would rather try to carry 10 plastic grocery bags in each hand than take 2 trips to bring my groceries in.
  15. I think part of a best friend’s job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.
  16. The only time I look forward to a red light is when I’m trying to finish a text.
  17. A recent study has shown that playing beer pong contributes to the spread of mono and the flu. Yeah, if you suck at it.
  18. Was learning cursive really necessary?
  19. Lol has gone from meaning, “laugh out loud” to “I have nothing else to say”. (That’s where *actual lol* comes in.)
  20. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.
  21. Answering the same letter three times or more in a row on a Scantron test is absolutely petrifying.
  22. My brother’s Municipal League baseball team is named the Stepdads. Seeing as none of the guys on the team are actual stepdads, I inquired about the name. He explained, “Cuz we beat you, and you hate us.” Classy, bro.
  23. Whenever someone says “I’m not book smart, but I’m street smart”, all I hear is “I’m not real smart, but I’m imaginary smart”.
  24. How many times is it appropriate to say “What?” before you just nod and smile because you still didn’t hear what they said?
  25. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars teams up to prevent a dick from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers!
  26. Every time I have to spell a word over the phone using ‘as in’ examples, I will undoubtedly draw a blank and sound like a complete idiot. Today I had to spell my boss’s last name to an attorney and said “Yes that’s G as in…(10 second lapse)..ummm…Goonies,”
  27. What would happen if I hired two private investigators to follow each other?
  28. While driving yesterday I saw a banana peel in the road and instinctively swerved to avoid it…thanks Mario Kart.
  29. MapQuest really needs to start their directions on #5. Pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighbourhood.
  30. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.
  31. I find it hard to believe there are actually people who get in the shower first and THEN turn on the water.
    (Well not so hard to believe because The Boy does it, it’s more weird than unbelievable.)
  32. Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.
  33. I can’t remember the last time I wasn’t at least kind of tired.
  34. Bad decisions make good stories
  35. Whenever I’m Facebook stalking someone and I find out that their profile is public I feel like a kid on Christmas morning who just got the Red Ryder BB gun that I always wanted. 546 pictures? Don’t mind if I do!
  36. Is it just me or do high school girls get sluttier & sluttier every year?
  37. If Carmen San Diego and Waldo ever got together, their offspring would probably just be completely invisible.
  38. Why is it that during an ice-breaker, when the whole room has to go around and say their name and where they are from, I get so incredibly nervous? Like I know my name, I know where I’m from, this shouldn’t be a problem.
  39. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you’ve made up your mind that you just aren’t doing anything productive for the rest of the day.
  40. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after DVDs? I don’t want to have to restart my collection.
  41. There’s no worse feeling than that millisecond you’re sure you are going to die after leaning your chair back a little too far.
  42. I’m always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten page research paper that I swear I did not make any changes to.
  43. “Do not machine wash or tumble dry” means I will never wash this ever.
  44. I hate being the one with the remote in a room full of people watching TV. There’s so much pressure. ‘I love this show, but will they judge me if I keep it on? I bet everyone is wishing we weren’t watching this. It’s only a matter of time before they all get up and leave the room. Will we still be friends after this?’
  45. I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello? Dammit!), but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes to voicemail. What’d you do after I didn’t answer? Drop the phone and run away?
  46. I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.
  47. When I meet a new girl, I’m terrified of mentioning something she hasn’t already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
  48. I like all of the music in my iTunes, except when it’s on shuffle, then I like about one in every fifteen songs in my iTunes.
  49. Why is a school zone 20 mph? That seems like the optimal cruising speed for pedophiles…
  50. As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
  51. Sometimes I’ll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.
  52. It should probably be called Unplanned Parenthood.
  53. I keep some people’s phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.
  54. Even if I knew your social security number, I wouldn’t know what do to with it.
  55. Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, hitting the G-spot, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey – but I’d bet my ass everyone can find and push the Snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time every time.
  56. My 4-year old son asked me in the car the other day “Dad what would happen if you ran over a ninja?” How the hell do I respond to that?
  57. It really pisses me off when I want to read a story on CNN and the link takes me to a video instead of text.
  58. I wonder if cops ever get pissed off at the fact that everyone they drive behind obeys the speed limit.
  59. I think the freezer deserves a light as well.
  60. I disagree with Kay Jewellers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lites than Kay.
  61. The other night I ordered takeout, and when I looked in the bag, saw they had included four sets of plastic silverware. In other words, someone at the restaurant packed my order, took a second to think about it, and then estimated that there must be at least four people eating to require such a large amount of food. Too bad I was eating by myself. There’s nothing like being made to feel like a fat bastard before dinner.

Comixed

Another great site from the Fail Blog guys. This time it’s panel/comic based funnies.

I found myself laughing far too loudly so had to share. There aren’t many on the site yet so you should check it out. Some are lame, most are great.

twilight-what-we-see
twilight-stinky-vag-4chan

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Baking With Kim – Apple Pie

    Frozen apple pie box
  1. Find the cheapest frozen apple pie available at your local supermarket
  2. Remove it from the box and place it in an oven heated to 180°C for 35-40 minutes
  3. Cooked pie
  4. Remove from oven and admire the fruits of your domestic labour
  5. Apple pie with cream. Yum!
  6. Serve doused in cream. Don’t bother to whip it first, it tastes great without whipping. Shake it in the bottle for a bit of extra texture.
  7. Leave any dishes for your significant other

The Feminist Fairy Tale

Care of one of my lovely lady co workers.
I think this is something all you lovely feminists can relate to. And something you should be sharing with your daughters (and sons).

Tiara fun!

Once upon a time,
in a land far away,
a beautiful, independent
self-assured princess
happened upon a frog as she sat,
contemplating ecological issues
on the shores of an unpolluted pond
in a verdant meadow near her castle.

The frog hopped into the princess’ lap
and said: Elegant Lady,
I was once a handsome prince,
until an evil witch cast a spell upon me.

One kiss from you, however,
and I will turn back
into the dapper, young prince that I am
and then, my sweet, we can marry
and set up housekeeping in your castle
with my mother,
where you can prepare my meals,
clean my clothes, bear my children,
and forever
feel grateful and happy doing so.

That night,
as the princess dined sumptuously
on lightly sautéed frog legs
seasoned in a white wine
and onion cream sauce,
she chuckled and thought to herself:

I don’t fuckin’ think so!